A dozen roses: $40. A box of chocolates: $20.A Happy Valentines Day card: $5.
Still having $65 because you’re single: Priceless.
Valentine’s Day. The only day of the year that it’s acceptable to baby talk in public.
If you were planning on spending your night having a Bridget Jones moment, set up the auto-feeder for your cats and allow me to rescue you with some great ideas to pass the time.
- Treat yourself to a nice scenic drive through your neighbourhood, possibly down by the beach or through the city. Hurl abuse at any puppy-eyed lovers you see walking around. Eggs are optional. Not only will this make you feel better about yourself, the entertainment levels will be at an all time high. Suggestions include: “She used to be a man”, “He thinks your mum is better looking” & my personal favourite, “I thought you loved me”.
- If you’re not having any luck with the dudes, try and find yourself a lady date. Once you get past the toothless grin and random outbursts about how the devil is trying to steal your soul, your local homeless friend might prove to be good company. Alternatively, find your most fabulous single friend (see Giovanna and Anna below) and flaunt it.
- Download a virtual boyfriend app for your phone and treat him to a night out on the town. If your phone doesn’t support this app an imaginary partner works as an adequate substitute. That’s what we’ve been doing ever since we first set our eyes upon Tuxedo Mask. If you’re going with the first option you may want to invest in an iPhone stand, because who wants to have to hold their boyfriend upright as they try to eat their dinner? Am I right ladies?
- Don’t stay at home and mope, share your misery with others. Singles dating nights are a great way to kill a few hours. Be sure to add in a few twitches and turrets outbursts to weed out the weak ones.
- If you are working in hospitality why not liven up someones night by discretely slipping an engagement ring into someones food. Can be male or female, switch it up a bit to keep it interesting.
- Don’t forget to put up an inspiring single ladies status or alternatively, showcase your daddy issues with everyones favourite attention-seeking-nobody-loves-me style post. You could even do both. Flaunt that bipolar girl!
However, if you were lucky enough to score yourself a handbag for the evening, please enjoy some tips that I have learnt from my time running free in the dating world.
- Save your crude stories until you get to the point in the relationship where it’s acceptable to start wearing tracksuit pants and revealing that you actually love Miley (no, I’m not kidding). Your date doesn’t need to know about the time that you fell off of a bike trying to ride it up a hill and mopped up your bloody finger with a tampon. What? It’s what they were made for…
- Turning up to a date after an all day bar crawl is probably not the best idea. You may feel like you’re charming as hell and putting out Beyonce vibes but he will most likely find your raised voice and slurring to be a slight deal breaker.
- If you’re normally about as innocent as a nun squatting in a cucumber field, tie those legs together. Men love a bit of mystery. If you’re feeling a bit on le sexual side when it comes to the goodbye kiss, just stop mid-kiss and walk off. Don’t even say a word. How mysterious is that? Mind you if you don’t hear from him afterwards, don’t blame me.
Sorry Ash, you know I have a problem with sharing.
Lots of love,
Image Sources: via manrepeller.com, via zoeelysia.com, steph’s personal collection.